Shadowed Leaves
by kirathaune
Summary: Darkness is needed to appreciate light, and Goku realizes the same goes for memories. Gen


Written for the 2012 poetry_fiction fic challenge, inspired by a stanza of poetry by Yehuda Amichai.

~.~

_In the northern countries they say, Most of the leaves__  
><em>_are still on the trees. But here we say,__  
><em>_Most of the words are still on the people.__  
><em>_Our fall season makes other things fall.__  
><em>_-Yehuda Amichai_

_~.~_

Goku burrowed his face deeper into the neck of his poncho in an attempt to protect his nose and chin from the chilly wind that whipped along Jeep's sides. They were truly in the mountains now; the wind was sharper and the roads were getting steeper - Goku could hear the difference in Jeep's engine, and sometimes pressure would build up in his ears and make them pop. He'd only half listened to Hakkai's explanation about altitude, more interested in the gum that was offered to him, and now Goku chewed his gum and admired the scenery while they drove to the next town on Hakkai's map.

It was late autumn, and Goku was surprised to see that most of the trees along the mountain road still had their leaves. Fall was his favorite season; the leaves turned really cool colors and then when they fell off the trees you could rake them into a big pile and jump in them. Goku didn't have time for leaf-pile jumping any more, but he still liked looking at the pretty leaves. On this ride he had plenty of time to look - the mountain road was winding and narrow, and Hakkai had to take more care with navigating Jeep along its twisting turns. It was slow going, and the sun was low in the sky by the time they pulled up in front of the small inn where they were staying for the night.

Gojyo glanced around the marketplace. "Hakkai, didn't you want to stock up on supplies? Looks like it's almost closing time."

Hakkai sighed. "I'm afraid we've arrived here a bit late," he said, nodding over at the vendors who were beginning to pack up their wares.

"I want us to leave first thing in the morning," Sanzo warned.

"If I go to the market right now I can get our supplies," Hakkai replied. "Goku, could you take care of getting some fruits and vegetables from the wagons over there before they close? You're very good at picking out the nicer pieces."

"Yeah, but he's also good at eating them," Gojyo commented snidely. "You sure you want him to buy food, 'Kai?"

"Shut up, ya cockroach." Goku deliberately elbowed Gojyo as he climbed out of the Jeep. "I'll go get them, Hakkai." He took the money Hakkai held out to him and then he trotted over toward the far end of the market where the vendor's wagons were lined up along the side of the road.

Goku scanned the row of wagons as he approached them. One man was already half-packed and was giving him a 'don't-even-think-about-it' look, and another had a lot of nice produce but a glance at the prices told Goku why there was so much left - the guy was charging a fortune! One of the vendors further down waved him over, and Goku was pleased to see that the man still had a decent amount left and the quality was good.

"I'll take the rest of what's in those baskets," Goku said while he pointed to various baskets of produce. "M'glad you're still set up."

"I'm glad too," the man replied with a grin.

Goku looked around at the lush, brightly-colored foliage that surrounded the town while the vendor bagged his purchases. "It's really pretty here," Goku said. "It's neat how all the trees still have their leaves - down in the valley the trees are almost bare."

The man laughed. "Our trees are stubborn here. They cling to their leaves like a man clings to his past."

"'Clings to his past'?" Goku repeated, giving him a handful of coins.

A burly shoulder lifted in a shrug. "An old saying. People dwell on unhappy pasts sometimes." The man handed Goku the bulging sack and then tossed him an extra apple. "You're a young man; you haven't lived long enough to have much of a past!"

_I'm older than I look,_ Goku thought while he waved and walked away. _And I have a past I don't even know about._

The man's words stuck with him while he munched on the apple and walked over to the little inn. Almost two years of living in very close quarters had taught Goku that his companions had pretty painful pasts, even if the details were still a mystery to him. Gojyo, for instance, always got grumpy and changed the subject any girls around him talked about his hair, and he'd get quiet if they drove by a field full of poppies or any other red flower. But Goku had no clue why the color bothered Gojyo so much.

While Goku knew bits and pieces of Hakkai's story, he had a feeling that there was way more bad stuff in Hakkai's past than the trouble with Kanan and all those demons. Sometimes he would see one of Hakkai's fake smiles and catch a glimpse of the despair hiding behind it, and Goku would remember how self-destructive Cho Gonou had been when he had helped Sanzo capture him.

Sanzo... well, he didn't talk much anyway, much less about his childhood or his master. Keiun Temple was a gossipy place, so Goku had learned a little bit about Koumyou Sanzo and what had happened at Kinzan Temple when Sanzo was younger. Sometimes Goku wished Sanzo would tell him about his master; from what little he'd gleaned Koumyou had been a really nice guy, although most of the monks thought he was silly. Goku figured he would have really liked the man, and the thought of the grumpy monk growing up with a silly master always made Goku smile to himself.

He finished his apple and licked the juice from his fingers.

Sanzo was leaning against Jeep and smoking a cigarette when Goku approached the inn. Goku stifled a snicker; Sanzo smoking outside usually meant that the innkeeper or his wife had shooed the monk outside when he had tried to light up.

"Heya, Sanzo." Goku reached into the Jeep, retrieved a few of the canvas bags that Hakkai used for storing food and began to fill them with his purchases. "So, I was talkin' to that guy about how all the leaves around here are still on the trees, an' he said this funny thing about how the leaves cling to the trees like men cling to their pasts." He glanced over at Sanzo. "Is that like when you guys don't like to talk about stuff? Is that clinging to your past? Keeping it secret?"

"Just because people don't gab about everything like you do doesn't mean they're keeping secrets. Some memories are painful." Sanzo took a deep drag off his cigarette.

"But not all of them are, right? Don't the good memories make up for the bad?" Goku remembered the little yellow bird that had flown into his mountain cell so many years ago; he had cried bitterly when it had died, but he still liked to remember how happy he'd been when it had landed on his finger and chirped at him.

The monk blew smoke at him. "Don't talk about things you don't understand."

Goku coughed and scowled. "I understand that I'd rather have sad memories than none at all."

"You're better off without them," Sanzo replied, and when Goku glanced over he saw that Sanzo's face had that closed-off expression that Goku hated.

"No, I'm not," Goku protested. "I can't remember _anything _but bein' alone in that cave; I've lost all the good stuff as well as the bad. You guys at least can remember good times with the people you've lost. You got a chance to love them. I don't know whether I loved anyone or if anyone loved me. All I know is I was in that cell on the mountain for as long as I can remember, an' all I can remember was my name."

Blond eyebrows drew together. "Goku, I-"

"Don't feel sorry for me," Goku said vehemently. "But don't try an' tell me that it's better to not have any memories."

Sanzo looked like he was going to say something else, but then he just shrugged. "Suit yourself." He finished his cigarette and went back inside.

_Why does he do that?_ Goku fumed to himself while he finished packing up the food. _He just closes himself up_. It was like Sanzo and the other two were trying to forget their pasts, and Goku thought that was a shame - especially when he wished so much that he could remember his.

Their conversation preoccupied Goku during dinner, leaving him unfazed by Gojyo's teasing and food-stealing attempts. He was vaguely aware of Sanzo glancing at him now and then, and he waved off Hakkai's concerned questions. "M'okay," he said. "M'just thinkin' about stuff."

"There's got to be something up if _you're _thinking," Gojyo quipped as he stole Goku's last dumpling.

"Can it, kappa," Goku said. He finished his dinner, excused himself and headed out the back door to the terrace. The sun was setting in earnest now, its fading light painting the trees a brilliant array of reds and golds. Goku perched cross-legged on the terrace wall and enjoyed the spectacular view.

Definitely a memory to go in the 'good' pile.

Goku had his fair share of sad memories. His early days at Keiun had been difficult when the monks had treated him like a monster, and losing friends and almost-friends on their journey West had been hard on him too. But woven in between the sadness were lots of happy times. He'd learned to shrug off the monks' attitudes, and now to Goku Keiun was home - the place where Hakkai tutored him with oranges; where he would sprawl on the floor in Sanzo's office and snicker while Sanzo yelled at the monks; and where he desperately hoped to return with Sanzo at this journey's end. And while Goku would always feel sad whenever he thought of Gat, he never wanted to forget how much fun he had sparring with the big Indian all those months ago.

The happy and the sad went hand in hand, he realized. Even all those lonely years in the cave were important, because they made him appreciate being able to sit outside in the chilly night air and watch an autumn sunset.

It _was_getting chilly. Goku hugged his knees to his chest and wrapped his poncho tighter around himself.

He heard the quiet footfall of boots behind him. The snick of a lighter and a familiar cigarette-and-beer smell told Goku exactly who was standing behind him.

"Hi, Sanzo," he said, still staring up at the night sky.

There was a grunt in reply, and for a while there was a companionable silence between them.

"This was his favorite time of the year," Sanzo said.

Goku turned around and looked up at him. "Huh?"

"My master." Sanzo blew a cloud of smoke off to the side and waved a hand at the surrounding woods. "He loved autumn. He used to make me rake up all the leaves into a pile in front of his porch and then he'd start a fire and cook potatoes in the burning leaves."

"Ooooh," Goku said. "That sounds-"

"Like something we're _not_going to do," Sanzo interrupted smoothly.

"Can we try it just once? When we get back? I'll do all the raking," Goku promised.

Sanzo looked at him for a long moment, and then he snorted and replied, "Damn straight you will. Crazy old bastard made me rake half the temple grounds." He took one last drag off his cigarette before he dropped it to grind it out beneath his boot. He turned and walked back toward the inn. "Get your ass inside," he called without looking back. "It's getting late. And cold."

Goku watched Sanzo's retreating figure, and it seemed to him that there was less tension in the monk's body then there had been a few minutes earlier.

He smiled. A single leaf had just fallen from a very stubborn tree.


End file.
